Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
