Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize