If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
