my mouth tastes like poor choices
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
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