I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
