a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
