You're completely useless in the revolution.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
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