Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
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