we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
