I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
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