I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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