if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
