I wish I could teleport
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Randomize
