It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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