I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
