Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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