I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
It's blow job season.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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