She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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