someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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