Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
