Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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