i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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