$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
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