i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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