So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
