The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
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