She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
