At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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