I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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