Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
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