Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
BRING THE BAGELS
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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