I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
