they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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