i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
