Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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