Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
