I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
