the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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