She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
