Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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