'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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