Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
