do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
