I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
