maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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