Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
