Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
