You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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