apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
