Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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