tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
