I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
