why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
