mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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