I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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